The Quadratic Formula
Case: Mafia Style.
Sure, I got a moment, babe.
So listen – and listen good.
Like the black robe[1]
said,
‘Considering he was
dealing with unknown quantities,
We have to admire the
way that Lieutenant X
Solved this case with
mathematical precision.
He was equal to the
challenge.’
O.K. So ya gotta admit
X is no meat eater, [2]
Rounding up the usual suspects.
He’s a cool cop; we’ve clocked him. [3]
He kicks off with that schifosa, [4] B;
She’s got attitude, the bitch,
And so’s her twin sister, another barracuda. [5]
‘Negative’ he notes. ‘A couple of bum numbers.’
Then he gives ‘em the third degree
To see whether they’re on the square,
Getting right to the root of the matter.
Good Catholic girls. So he shows ‘em a cross.
He’s like, ‘Want to end up under that?
You bitches better squeal.’
But they’re stand up guys, [6]
Not canaries, yellow dogs, rats. [7]
These pigeons won’t sing.
Next thing, he’s tangling with the Al Gebra gang,
Half-assed wise guys, [8] al
of ‘em,
Cugines, [9]
looking to be made,
Running a numbers racket on school kids,
Headcrushers with beauty doctors, [12]
Telling them they’re going[13]
if they don’t cough up,
Apache Indian jobs a speciality. [14]
Loansharks living high on vig, [15]
Dealing babania, [16]
All off the record. [17]
Just major problems,
Always hitting the mattresses. [20]
X saves us the trouble.
He grills those two goombas,[23] A
and C.
Turns out the B sisters have been working for them
Since Columbus
According to a nerd named Cardano[24]
A mechanic[25]
who works for the Casino.
They’re hookers, not goumadas. [26]
What did ya expect?
Then, just when X thinks he’s cracked the case,
Turns out that A’s setting up a bank job,
Getting twice his normal payola.
X moves in fast,
Gets set to pinch ‘em,
Send em to college, can ‘em.[27]
But A and C take a long walk[28]
Then put the X on him.
These goons finger him,
Decide to break an egg;[29]
Give him a turban,
Italian rope trick,
Buckwheats, Little Joe,
Ice pick kill,
Sicilian neck tie – whatever.[30]
Ya get the picture?
They consider he’s a problem,[31]
Get a place ready,[32]
A double-decker coffin.[33]
Or drinks for two,
Cement shoes for one.[34]
But X comes heavy,[35]
naturally,
Pulls out his piece,[36]
Whacks them before they ice him,
5.38’s ‘em,[37]
A real stonekiller[38]
Another Roy DeMeo.
Like a regular B-movie
If ya’ll pardon the pun,
What’s X doing now?
I hear he’s on
vacation in Vector,
Scalar, some plush joint like that,
Run by the Family,
Along with his funky babe, Y,
A real parakeet,[39]
Who for once didn’t figure in this story.
Want the real low down on X’s other jobs
Like the big one he cracked in Calculus?
Guess ya’d better talk to Paul Erdes[40]
Or some jerk like that.
Wanna hear it from me?
Me, consigliere [41] to
the Mattematica Family,
Tell it to half a hard on with a suitcase?[42]
Che cazzo stai
dicendo![43]
Think I got time to burn?
Fuggedabahdit![44]
[1] Judge.
All the following footnoted terms are Sicilian Mafia anti-language.
[2] Corrupt
cop.
[3] Tailed
him.
[4] An ugly
woman.
[5] Ditto.
[6] They
won’t squeal.
[7]
Informers.
[8] Tough
guys who want to join the Family.
[9] Young
toughs.
[10]
Phonies.
[11]
Would-be mobsters with nothing to offer.
[12] Steel
tipped clubs.
[13] Going
to be killed.
[14]
Firebombs.
[15]
Sky-high interest.
[16] Heroin.
[17] Not
sanctioned by the Family.
[18] Dopes.
[19]
Criminals who work with the wise guys.
[20]
Fighting with other gangs.
[21] The
Family.
[22]
Killing.
[23]
Cronies.
[24] Perhaps
a descendant of Gerolomo Cardano, the famous 16th century Italian
mathematician who devised the quadratic formula. Professor Ca Cardano was also
a noted gambler.
[25] A
crooked gambler.
[26]
Mistresses.
[27] Jail
them.
[28] Conduct
a discussion outside, away from bugging devices.
[29] Kill
him.
[30] Methods
of killing. Turban is a blow to the skull; Buckwheats involves torture; Little
Joe means placing four shots symmetrically in two rows in the skull; the Rope
Trick and Necktie involve strangulation.
[31] A
liability who has to be murdered.
[32] Prepare
a burial site.
[33] The
corpse is placed in a coffin with a false bottom, beneath another body.
[34]
Traditional way of sinking a body in deep water.
[35] Armed.
[36] Gun.
[37] Puts
five shots into them with his .38.
[38] A
ruthlessly efficient killer who enjoys his work, like the notorious Mafia
hitman, Roy DeMeo.
[39] A
pretty girl.
[40]
Pronounced ‘Erdish’. The renowned Hungarian mathematician.
[41] Number
three in the upper-level power structure of a Family, after the boss and
underboss.
[42] A
female lawyer for the mob.
[43] ‘What
the f… are you taking about!’
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