Work in progress - excerpt
from Final Fling, a science fiction novel:
Hannah Cohen has
encountered Angela, a strange woman who appears to know her intimately. Angela
has her own version of the history of mankind, much of which she alleges is to
be found in the Old Testament. In the following episode, Angela appears at the
house of Hannah’s closest friend, Penny, and relates the following version of
the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah
and the consequences to Lot . Note that Angela
appears to believe erroneously that the ancient Hebrews spoke Yiddish, which
casts some doubt on the veracity of her otherwise compelling narrative.
CHAPTER X: The Story of Lot
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I said, you’ll find the account in Genesis”,
Angela went on. “Lot, was a balabatisheh
yden (a respectable Jew), a macher (big-shot),
a chosover mentsch (one of the
élite), who’d had been Yahweh’s agent in Sodom, like Gomorrah, a city
controlled by Ba’al and renowned for its faigelah
(gays), so he was given warning to leave town quick smart before the first
strike. He evacuated his family to Zoar,
a village some miles distant. He should have stayed there, but after seeing
what had happened to his wife he lost his nerve completely and decided to make
a run for the hills, convinced that Zoar was next on the atomic hit-list and
that Armageddon had arrived. They were a funny lot, the Lots. After that poor shlepper (dowdy woman), Mrs Lot, a real shmegegi (moron), was vapourised while
stupidly gawking at the missile strike when she should have been safely in the
local bunker, her two daughters, both shaineh
maidels, shain vi di zibben velten (lovely young girls, beautiful as the
Seven Heavens), were absolutely hysterical.
“Oi vai!” they cried. “You can bet lox to
bagels, Tatinka (Daddy), that we’re
the only survivors of the whole human race! Our marriage prospects have literally evaporated. Ek velt (the end of the world) has come,
just as you said it would, and all those spunky mentsh are kaput! Not
even a shaigitz (Gentile) survives! Dos hartz hot mir gezogt! (I predicted
this!) What are two nice, Jewish tsatskeh
(beauties) like us going to do for husbands, now those two schlimazel (unlucky bunglers) of ours
are platz (done in)?”
They
were upset because their fiancés, a couple of bureaucratic schnooks (suckers), with well-paid sinecures in the Department of
Foreign Affairs, had refused to leave Sodom, claiming that Lot was a well-known
doom-and-gloomer, Yahweh was ‘a papyrus tiger’ and the crisis would be resolved
by diplomatic negotiation. They were damned if they were going to schlep all their gear up into the hills,
just because their future father-in-law was a hysterical survivalist. So when
the Lot family fled from the city on their
asses, these schlemiels (dopes) went
off to t he office and got themselves fried, like the young shmendriks (nincompoops) they were.
So
the Lot girls found themselves not only bereft of their dumkop (thick-head) betrothed, but convinced that there were no
more men left in the world, since they assumed that absolutely everyone had
been vapourised, like their poor shmegegi
mama. That night they retreated to the back of the cave where they were
encamped and had what diplomats call a full and frank discussion. They were
still smarting because, only a couple of days earlier, papa had offered to hand
them over to a group of drunken gay rapists in Sodom
“Gai kucken ahfen yam! (Go peddle your fish elsewhere!) Take my two lovely
maidels (girls) and shtup them as you will. But do not lay
lustful hands on my angelic visitors, you despicable traifnyak drek! (hoons)", he had told these horny faigelah, who were trampling all over
his young terebinths, piddling on his doorstep, swinging on his gates, groping
his servants, kicking his costly Canaanite lapdogs, and threatening to batter
his new cedar front door down with their embroidered handbags if he didn’t hand
the white-skinned boys over to these nishgutniks
(no-good-niks) for a Sodomite gang-bang.
And, to add insult to the injury, they had turned his offer down!
Ruth
and Leah had been absolutely ropeable after this incident. “Me ken brechen! Wouldn’t it make you
sick! Some father we’ve got! He’s supposed to protect us against sexual
harassment, not aid and abet it by handing us over to a bunch of bi-sexual kolboynik (smart-alec hoods) to be
raped. So much for our cherished virginity! Well, now we know what our k’nippel (virginity) is worth, let’s get
rid of this shlok quick smart. Tockhes ahfen tisch! (Let’s cut the
crap!) No more of this chastity schamlz (corny
talk) for us, thanks very much".
Now,
the account you’ll find in Genesis XIX
30-32 says, if I remember rightly: “Lot was afraid to stay in Zoar, so he stayed in a cave with his two
daughters. Then the first-born sad to the younger, “Our father is old, and
there is not a man left on earth to have intercourse with us. Come, let us make
our father drunk on wine, and let us lie with him, that we may preserve our
family through our father.”
What
actually happened is that, once out in the wilderness, these over-sexed maidels were so anxious to lose their k’nippel that they promptly got legless skikker on local plonk along with their
handsome father, stripped to the buff, and hopped into bed with him, one on
each side. Genesis implies that the
girls couldn’t have had much fun because Tatinka
was decrepit. In fact, he was only in his early thirties – he’d married
young, like they all did – and as randy as a mountain goat. He demurred a bit
at first, of course.
“Es past nit! Bist meshugeneh? (You’re
crazy!) Thish short of depraved shex is egshactly what we were running away
from,” he protested feebly, as they pushed him onto the bed.
“No
way!”, the younger one told him. At fifteen, Leah was not only a brunette
bombshell, but very smart, unlike her elder sister, Ruth, a beautiful tsatskeh (sexy girl) who had inherited
her mother’s room-temperature IQ. “This is eugenics, not mere sex. We don’t
relish incest any more than you do, Tateniu,
but someone’s got to keep the human race going. ‘Be fruitful and multiply’, the Lord hath told us. Get yourselves
good and trogedik (pregnant). And
that’s just what we’re going to do. It’s the Lord’s command! So just relax and
enjoy it. We’ll show you a good time, baby. You can bet your sweet ass we
didn’t grow up in Sodom
Leah’s
arguments were so convincing that the befuddled Lot
ended up spending most of his time over the next few months furthering the
prospects of humanity. Simply couldn’t get enough, as they say. After all, he
was convinced that he was to be a second Adam, the new father of mankind.
Furthermore, there was nothing else to do but fool around, since there they were,
stuck in a cave out in the middle of Sinai, living on borsht, taiglech (cakes) and kasheh
(gruel) with only their asses for company, if you’ll forgive the pun. And,
as he pointed out to the girls repeatedly, the responsibility for the survival
of the entire human species lay on their youthful shoulders, or rather, loins.
As you can imagine, like proverbial virgin sturgeon they needed no urgin’,
especially since getting in the family way was all in the family.
Well,
eventually after weeks of voluptuous fun and games, during which they
anticipated every position in the Sodomite version of the Kama Sutra and then some, both of these randy teenage saviours of
humanity found themselves with satisfactorily swollen bellies. Mind you, these
gorgeous yefayfiyeh had some fast
talking to do when great uncle Abraham turned up with his camels some months
later, to tell them the war was over, and found a tangled threesome in full
swing at the back of the cave.
“Oi vai is mir! (Woe is me!) Oi a shkandall! (A
scandal!) Och un vai! (Alas and
alack!) A shandeh un a charpeh! (What a shame and
a disgrace!) What sort of kabaret
forshtelung (cabaret floorshow) is this? This is worse than Sodom
and Gomorrah Negev !
You’ve turned this cave into a nafkeh
bayis (a brother), a shandholz (whorehouse)! You’ve disgraced
our whole tribe, you incestuous narish
kurvehs (half-wit whores)!”
But
these girls weren’t lacking in chutzpah.
Ruth, in particular, was a real prietzteh,
a krassavitseh Jewish princess who
didn’t give a damn for anyone.
“Se soi dir grihmen in boych! (Get a
stomach cramp!) You’ve got a cool nerve, uncle Abe, barging into our cave
without knocking,” she told him, indignantly, as she slipped into her bathrobe.
“As for incest, I seem to recall that Aunty Sarah is your sister anyway, so
here’s the pot calling the kettle black. Can we help it if incest runs in our
family? Azoy vert dos kichel tzekrochen! (That’s
how the cookie crumbles!) Anyway, ultimately it’s all your fault for being such
a kushinyerkeh (cheapskate). You
insisted we attend that lousy Sodom High, you misguided old potz, instead of sending us to finishing
school in Damascus Gomorrah
Uncle
Abe was so shocked by this vixenish tirade, that he folded up his tents and
took himself off to foreign parts, eventually ending up among the Philistines.
And that’s how the whole Jewish saga began. Incidentally, this little escapade
really played havoc with Lot ’s family tree. I
mean, how did those girls explain to their tribal genealogists that their respective
sons, Moab
“I’m
sure you’re right,” agreed Hannah, who was no longer disposed to challenge her
visitor’s knowledge of Holy Writ, even when somewhat embroidered for effect.
“But I can’t off-hand recall anything about anti-matter weapons in Genesis.”
“Naturally.
Fire and brimstone was the best the chroniclers could make of it. But I can
assure you that Yahweh and Ninurta used the latest, multiple, individually
targeted, anti-matter missiles. Even today, the whole Sinai
peninsula remains blackened by the Annunaki’s doomsday weapons, as
any satellite picture will show you. And, of course, they destroyed the
Sumerian civilization too.”
“Who
were the Annunaki?”
Angela
sighed. “Luch in kup! (Like a hole in the head!) The Annunaki
are the Nephilim mentioned in Genesis VI.
2-4: ‘Those who descended from the sky (Nephilim) were on Earth in those days,
and also afterward, when the sons of the gods had intercourse with the
daughters of men and they bore children to them’. They came to Earth from
the planet Marduk, about 450 000 years ago. That’s why they’re called
Nephilim, meaning ‘those who came down’,
generally deliberately mistranslated as ‘giants’, or something equally
misleading. They’re the creators of the human race, through genetic
engineering”.
This
preposterous statement left Hannah speechless. Even her father had not gone
that far.
“Anyway,
to come back to Moses and the Midianites. Council hummed and hahed, then let
the matter discretely drop. Need I say that a spot of genocide didn’t stop
Moses from being granted immortality? When he was dying, prematurely aged by
his labours, at the youthful age of 120 – don’t forget he had alien genes –
Yahweh’s aides whisked him away from the top of Mount Pisgah
“So
that’s why the scriptures tell us that God buried him,” exclaimed Hannah.
Though
bewildered by this catalogue of bizarre events, she had nevertheless managed to
follow most of Angela’s story. The history of her own people had never failed
to enthral her, even though she had been brought up to regard it largely as
fable.
“Floib mis, God had nothing to do with
it,” said Angela impatiently. “As I’ve just explained to you, Operation Moses
was organized by Nergal, Dumizi’s brother, with Council’s approval.”
“I
thought you said it was organized by Yahweh,” Hannah objected. These bizarre
names were making her head swim.
Angela
sighed. “Ich bin ahntoisht! Yahweh’s
real name was Nergal. He was Ea’s son, and Lord of South Africa. All the Sumerian
texts tell you that. The Hebrew texts were written over two thousand years
after the Sumerian versions, so naturally, they’re not nearly as reliable.”
“But
I thought Yahweh was supposed to be God”.
“Shoyn fargessen? (Forgotten already?) Actually, Yahweh was
merely one of the Elohim, often referred to as the gods. Whereas what we call
God is no less than the Organising Principle of all the universes. What the
Chinese call the Tao. It certainly doesn’t concern itself with tribal rivalries
on a remote planet revolving around a mediocre, G-type star in an
insignificant, provincial, spiral arm of a minor galaxy. Frankly, I’m surprised
I should have to explain all this to you.”
“Sorry!”
said Hannah, meekly. “I’d simply forgotten what Daddy taught me. He’d have
agreed with you entirely on this point. So God actually exists?”
Angela
rolled her eyes in exasperation at Hanna’s metaphysical naiveté. “S’teitsh! (Strewth!) How can a one-time Logical
Positivist, Existentialist, Socialist, Marxist, Anti-Fascist, Feminist,
Postmodernist make crude statements like that! Consider the following aporia:
It is untrue to sat that It exists. It is also untrue to say that It does not
exist. It is untrue to say that It both exists and does not exist. And it is
equally untrue to say that It neither exists, nor not exists. All you are
allowed to say of It is ‘Neti! Neti! Not
that! Not that!’ Have I made myself clear?”
Hannah
winced. “As clear as Derrida. I’m sorry I ever asked”.
…
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